.a.n.y.w.a.y.

"People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered...

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,

people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives...

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and some true enemies...

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you...

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight...

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous...

Be happy anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough...

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see.....

In the final analysis,

it is between you and God..

It is never between you and them anyway."

-------------------------

just some wise words 

from my ayah.

thanx a bunch,

ayah.

---------------------

* moral of story of my recent life:

--> relationships are itself olredi so complicated..

why add more by engaging in inter-religious or inter-racial relationships?

( which i seem to do frequently...sigh..)

a friend in need is a friend indeed.

it was 12 am.

and i had dozed off.

supposedly waiting for my 'cousin'

whom my mom said wud be 

spending the night at our house.

then mama was shaking me.

"bangon wani, bangon"

i opened my eyes a wee bit,

and thought i was dreaming...

so i shut them again.

"oi bangon laaa"

dammit, 

it really was GUNA...from ipoh!

it was like my wish came true or sumthing.

(sape tak paham, means u didn't read my previous entry)

nways..

we stayed up till 4 am talking about my failed relationship.

sucks gile.

but surprisingly, there was no crying.

nope.

none.

probably,

i had exhausted my lacrimal glands,

and used up all my tears,

after 2 whole days of being a cry-baby.

so there were no tears.

 nway... thanx guna. really appreciated it.

* thanx also to my sis, liana,

for layan-ing me this weekend.

ur the besh!

;)

what do u do?

what do u do

when the person u have loved for 2 years suddenly decides to end things with u?

what do u do 

when u are confused and clueless as to the cause of this sudden decision?

what do u do

when u find out the reason is coz of a change in heart of a very important decision in life?

what do u do 

when someone who was very totally sure of converting suddenly decides he is not up to it, after 2 years of leading u on, with high hopes?

what do u do

when u finally have the permission and blessing of parents on both sides, which u have been waiting for like forever, but he suddenly decides he cannot cope with converting?

what do u do

when he just tells u this via a mere SMS? 

bad enuff not telling it to my face...

but not even having the decency to make a simple phone call??

hmm..

what do u do

when u burst out crying in a restaurant in front of ur parents and a bunch of other strangers, on reading this SMS?

what do u do 

when u break into fits of uncontrollable sobbing and wailing uncontrollably in the car while ur parents are confused and dunno what to do?

what do u do

when u reach home and can't bear to do anything else but lock urself in ur room and cry ur lungs out?

what do u do

when ur trying to lock urself in ur room but in every nook and corner, there is sumthing that he gave u or sumthing dat reminds u of him?

what do u do

when u lose ur appetite and have difficulty in sleeping?

what do u do

when u feel so reluctant to start deleting all his messages and his photos in ur phone?

what do u do

when ur dying to tell everything to ur sister but she is away at college and busy with exams?

what do u do

when u feel like curling up and crying with ur bestfriend but she is miles away in perak?

what do u do

when ur mom starts questioning u to come up with the rationality of his decision?

what do u do

when ur mom starts to wonder maybe u were the reason he made this decision?

what do u do

when u have confirmed with him that it is truely due to his not being able to proceed with this conversion, and that there is no possibility at all of fixing things in the future?

what do u do

when u don't wanna lose this perfect, rare and so-very-hard-to-find-nowadays guy who stops smoking+drinking+partying all for u without u even asking him to, who is caring and romantic, who is patient and understanding, who is funny and never fails to put a smile on ur face, who is sensitive and thoughtful, who is good with parents, who oweys has ur back and is oweys there for u, who is basically all u could ever want in a guy?

what do u do

when there's nothing u can do because it's a matter of religion?

what do u do

when u have to delete all ur photos together on facebook, with tears streaming down ur face?

what do u do

when u have to force urself to change ur status on facebook from "in a relationship" to "single"?

what do u do

when ur parents ask u to go out with them just to get u out of ur room, and u have to go and try to put on a smile and not be moody, just to not worry them?

what do u do

when u lie awake at night and can't seem to fall asleep while everyone else is already fast asleep, and suddenly the tears start flowing again?

what do u do

when u wonder whether he is as sad and devastated as u are?

what do u do

when u wake up in the morning after only 2 hours of sleep, and cry again, hoping that others won't hear u? 

what do u do

when u don't feel like doing anything but u force urself to pre-occupy urself with stuff to do, so that u will be too engrossed in these activities, so that u won't have time to cry, but still it lingers in ur head, and u feel a heavy weight in ur chest and tears start to well up everytime u think about it?

what do u do

when u have to run upstairs quickly to ur room everytime u feel the urge to cry?

what do u do

when u have to quickly blink the tears away and make the lump in ur throat go away before anyone notices ur crying....again?

what do u do

when u realise that u still love him so much and u miss him so badly, but there is simply nothing u can do...period.?

what do u do

when he says he feels the same way, but he too cannot do anything?

what do u do

what do u do

what do u do

???????????

since there is nothing u can do.

since there is nothing he can do.

what do u do?

what i have to do

is to let him go.

and pray for both his and my happiness.

which i will do.

slowly.

and just hope

i get better 

in time.

fake-calling..?

so i was flipping thru the 

user manual 4 my new phone.

and i came across a topic: Make fake calls.

as i mentioned, i was just flipping thru,

but this topic caused me to do a 'double-take' 

and go back to the page.

hmm...

why would someone wanna do such a thing?

nway i continue reading. 

Make fake calls.

You can stimulate fake incoming calls

when you want to get out of meetings or unwanted conversations.

You can also make it appear

as if you are talking on the phone

by playing back a recorded voice.

eish.

i think it's kinda weird.

recording ur voice, 

then pretending u get a call,

and listening to ur own voice,

and talking to urself...???

the things technology comes up with these days...

memorable 09.10.09

i 

do 

not 

intend 

to 

write 

a 

lengthy 

post.

this here is just a reminder to myself,

so that one of the most important days of my life can be etched in this memory of mine.

09.10.09

fru, on this date is when ur 5-year suffering as a med student ended.

(^_-)

  

emosh.

i am a very emosh person.

as i've been told,

by family.

and by fwens.

and no,
i do not deny that i am an emosh individual.
=p

rite now is a very emosh moment in my life.
probably the most emosh,
so far.

for the past 2 months
i have been:

--> at the library for nearly the whole day, 9am-12midnite daily.
(up to the point that someone said i've been camping at the library...hehe)
some might say "fuyooooo gile kiasu!! fuyoooo" .
wuteva. i have my reasons la ok.
i simply cannot (god knows i've tried so many frikking times) study kat bilik!!
too many distractions!
- comfortable bed which is just within an arm's reach of the study table.
- cooling air-conditioner which stimulates a longing for snuggling under warm comfortable comforter on bed.
- laptop full of movies and tele-series.
- laptop with internet with FACEBOOK and its many many many addictive activities, yadayadayada.
kesimpulannye, my room is just not a place for studying.

--> lugging goddamn heavy and thick as hell medical books
from my room to the library. to and fro. to and fro. to and fro.
some might be wondering "why the hell doesn't she just borrow the books from the library and stop complaining about aching arms?!"
simple. coz i have to scribble spontaneously/highlight phrases/make notes/draw matchstick men/write stupid or rude words/draw sumthing ridiculous and show it to mubin so that he laughs/slightly crumple a page if i get frustrated or if it's too complicating a topic.
i have to do all these things to my books,
and only then will i be able to study peacefully.
i know some people who treat their books
as if they're gonna return the book just as they bought it,
so they need to make sure
there is not even a dot of pen ink or pencil marks,
not even a folded or creased page, blablabla.
call me a destroyer or wuteva if u must,
but i paid for my books so suke ati aku le nak wat ape. hoho.
( nway, the only thing that turned out gud from this activity is the condition of my biceps! muahahaha. though i must say, my right arm appears more muscular.)
note to self: next time balance the weight of the books equally.


--> restricting my nightly (okla not every nite, but most nites. confirm mama bebel bace nih..lalalala) cinema visits.
this was pure torture, i must say.
there was one time, we were too frikking stressed and couldn't study anymore,
so we just went to see a movie.
BUT only after me and mubin had
drawn up a surat perjanjian on a piece of testpad paper,
which stated that it was gonna be our last night of relaxing,
which was later signed by both of us.
( i suggested we should also get 2 witnesses and ask for their signatures too,
but we were too eager to get our butts out of the library
so we didn't bother. huhu )
the only thing that turned out good from this
was that i managed to save some money.
gud thing too, since MARA has stopped giving us
our monthly cheques since september. boohoo.


--> wondering if there's something terribly wrong with my brain or if there's just a reduced capacity of my brain due to the slight atrophy secondary to lack of usage during the senior clerkship days.
i keep on studying the same thing over and over.
and yet i can't seem to remember or recall certain stuff.
this in turn just leads to further building-up of the pre-existing stress and anxiety.
sigh.


--> having a bad case of snacking in between meals.
(macam diabetic on insulin therapy pulak!)
it's just i get so famished during these study periods.
which leads to wolfing down a big meal.
which leads to sleepiness and drowsiness.
which leads to a quick drive to 7-11 to get a packet of pistachios
to stay awake or simply coz i'm having the munchies,
or sumtimes a quick drive to choice-shop to get a small carton of Haagen-Dazs macadamia nut ice-cream. uuuu yummy yummy.
yep, staying awake definitely is the most toughest job during these study periods. i think it's rather unfortunate that i detest coffee so much, but according to mubin, even coffee doesn't seem to work for him nowadays. hmmm..

--> seeing a whole lot of extra-hairy people.
hehe. in this college, if u see someone with a hell of a beard and scruffy long hair, it means they are having exams.
sometimes, it even takes a while to recognise who it is behind all that male hair.
(^_~)


--> easily pissed-off and irritable. i oweys get a tad more emosh as the exams are looming up. what with all the stress and lack of sleep.
so here i wud like to thank all fwens and family who have put up with me thruout this whole study period and exam week! luv u all!
* and a special thanks to mubin, who is constantly listening to me grumbling, complaining, crying, sighing, sobbing, nagging and what else more on a daily basis!!
thanks for being there for me, for consoling me, for urging me to study when i feel like giving up and most importantly for believing in me even more than i do...!!

thanks cyg :)



--> suddenly breaking into uncontrollable episodes of sobbing and crying episodes.
most people, including my parents, might not understand why i cry,
but i swear, SUMPAH! , that final year MBBS exam is the most mind-stressing, energy-draining, brain-tiring, soul-torturing exam that i have ever gone through.
sumtimes you just feel like giving up.
sumtimes you really regret studying medicine.
but then u think about your parents who have sacrificed so much,
and u look around at your frens and think " i want to graduate together with these people".
and u think about ur future.
sumtimes the crying episodes can't be avoided.
( i am pretty sure that i am not the only one!)
but it's ok, coz sumtimes these episodes lead to a
very relieving and soothing feeling afterwards~

nway nway nway,

all the exams are over now.
i dare not say that i did well.
but i hope i was pass-able.
even if they decide not to pass me,
i hope i get to go for re-assessment.
whatever it takes to pass!!!!!!

it has been a very tough journey indeed.
but manageable due to presence of
frens,
helpful lecturers,
family,
and also not forgetting my source of inspiration, the SAMSUNG JET.
hehehe.

now
all that's left to do is just pray hard
and wait for the results.
(even that is stressful....sigh.)
hope everyone makes it through..!


till then............~